The Case Of Leonardo DiCaprio's Terracotta Toddlers

1st January 2012

I killed a woman the last time I donned my curious cap and however much I believe she was deserved of her fate I do tinge remorse and that guilt has stifled my instincts. However, an encounter during my Christmas holidays has offered me the perfect story with a hint of strange. I will start at the start.

We began our time away in Ao Nang, Krabi. A beautiful area with just about everything I could want from scenery. We spent five days there including Christmas, met a few people, drank merrily and enjoyed our hotel through hindsight. After five days we moved on…

To Koh Lanta, which, at 38km long and 8km wide is one of the largest Islands in Thailand. Our accommodation is touted as a beach bungalow but in reality is a shed near a beach. We arrived after a hot 3 hour-long minibus ride that tested my temper almost more than anything had in my life. I was angry at plants, bananas, skirts, shades, chess, buttons, colours, skin, drink, wheels, eggs, balls, phones, knees, slippers, poodles, paddles, carrots, cows, foam, Jesus and just about everything else on Earth. Carolyn sensed my rage and in her ever giving and understanding nature offered that I take a walk and calm down for a few hours. ‘Fuck off!’ I said appreciatively.

I walked into the busiest part of the island, Ban Saladan, which was about 2km away, and set about moaning. I moaned at and offended tuk tuk drivers, tour pushers, Russians, coffee sellers and waitresses all without provocation. If my mass wasn’t so significant I fear my anger could have lead to a commotion, even a fistfight, but my mass was clear and the locals saw it intelligent to avoid my wary tones.

God I was angry, possibly more so than ever before, still, I couldn’t let it continue; I’d had my fun but It’s not natural for me to be mad so I calmed myself down and set about making it up to the poor people who tasted my fury. I had an espresso at the coffee sellers place. It was nice, he then tried to organise a luxury-chartered yacht for me the next day, and I politely declined. I searched for the waitress and gave her a tip and offered an apology. I found the tour pushers and booked yet another elephant trek (they’re boring) and then looked for the Russians so I could insult them some more. I hate Russians.

I really offended the tuk tuk driver. He offered me a lift and I flicked him the bird, called him a ‘fucking stink eagle’ and told him he was ‘lazy and should walk once in a while’. That was probably my low point. Now, in my normal frame of mind I figured I owed him.

‘Look, I am sorry.’ I offered. His reply was in good English ‘Why you call me fucking stink eagle?’ He was upset. ‘I’m sorry.’ I said again.

‘I just do job, this is good job, why you rude?’

‘I am sorry.’ I said again, and a few more times. It took a while for the tension to ease. He wasn’t happy but I made a point of not leaving until I felt he had accepted my apology.

‘I feel bad. I want to make it up to you.’ I said ‘Can you take me somewhere? I’ll pay you double for the trouble.’

‘Get in.’ He grumbled.

I asked him to take me to a bar near my accommodation; it was a 10-minute journey, for which I gave him 500 baht (five times too much). During the journey I could tell he still wasn’t happy, he needed more. I probed.

He told me how he works every day of high season and earns little more than a 1,000 baht a day, of which, he gives half to the company he works for. So on a good day he earns the equivalent of £10, which I think he is happy with. I felt for him as he smiled whilst telling me how he longed for a night with his wife. I wanted to help him. I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.

At first he didn’t understand me.

‘What? No. This is my tuk tuk. MY JOB.’

‘No, you don’t understand. I will work the rest of the day for you and give you 2,000 baht, which, will more than cover your earnings.’

‘No, you steal my tuk tuk.’ He said unconvinced.

‘Look here’s my passport. Give that back to me tomorrow when I return the tuk tuk. I trust you, do you trust me?’ I pleaded. He still wasn’t sure but eventually his longing for a night with his wife outweighed the potential downfalls of my plan. I took him back to his home and set about my nights work.

Tuk tuk’s are seriously difficult to control, especially with customers in tow. Steering is minimal; to turn left I had to speed up and to turn right I had to slow down. It took a while to get accustomed but after a few ‘pick up’s’ and ‘drop offs’ I was confident and began to enjoy myself. The Islands roads were in good condition and the customers didn’t veer from the main road so I didn’t get lost until night fell.

I take no pleasure in blowing my own trumpet but I was good and taxiing! It just came naturally, I am part of the road, although my knowledge of the Island or the resorts on the Island was minimal my rapport building was brilliant and often papered over the small cracks concerning destination and time. I was doing well with the takings also, by 17:00 I had made 940 baht and still had the rush to come. I was at ease.

I picked up the next customer in exactly the same way I had gathered up the others but something was different about this man. His clothes were just a bit nicer and his hair a little more kept.

‘Hey there! Where to, my friend?’ This was my introduction. The customer, like most took a double take because I was Western rather than Thai.

‘Oh hey, um, just drive, I’ll direct you.’ He said in a broad American accent as he slouched into his seat and motioned for me to step on it, I obliged. Something was strange with this man; he hid his head from onlookers and didn’t seem wholly comfortable with riding on a tuk tuk. I decided to build some rapport.

‘So, you on holiday or do you live here?’

‘Um, oh, yeah, vacation.’ Still he was occupied with what was going on behind or to the side of us. He was distracted. I needed to step up.

‘Vacation hey. Well, what a place. I only arrived today and I love it. What part of America are you from?’

‘Seriously man, lets just get me home. OK?’ He wasn’t biting. I tried once more.

‘Do you not find it weird that I’m driving a tuk tuk? It’s a funny story actually…’

‘It is weird. Look, I’ve been talking to people I don’t want to talk to all day. Just get me back… Hang on, stop at this 7 – 11, I need some smokes.’ I stopped, he got out. What a strange man, on holiday and no time for a little engagement with some excellent rapport. I figured he got into a little trouble in town and was watching his back, that was, until he exited the shop and I got a first real look at his face.

Fuck. My heart began to pop out my chest. That’s Leonardo DiCaprio. My first night in public transport and I pick up Leonardo DiCaprio!

He stopped outside the shop briefly to light his cigarette. I thought for a minute as he looked around that he had forgotten about me, then, his movement changed, he rushed back towards my tuk tuk, something had startled him and it wasn’t long before I noticed it too. A group of 15 or so girls falling over each other as they raced down the street for a sniff of my customer. I needed to protect him.

‘Quick, get in!’ Igniting the engine I accelerated so hard the tuk tuk pulled a brief and intentional wheelie. Cool. I pushed through the gears and before long we had lost the girls and found quiet road. My customer’s body language changed, he was relieved and I could feel he sensed the harassment or chance thereof, had gone. I thought this the perfect time for a spot of light rapport, but struggled. A few strained minutes of silence passed as I mulled over the coolest thing to say, then, surprisingly he said.

‘Shit man, those girls… Those fucking girls… Thanks by the way…’ He smiled. Then laughed. I joined in.

His barrier was down, I could begin my rapport but it was a different ball game now. He’s Leonardo DiCaprio, what the fuck do you say to Leonard DiCaprio? It had to be cool, but what’s cool? Is winking still cool? Thumbs up? Are a thumbs up and a wink cool? Shit, I didn’t know. One thing that did occur to me though was to not admit to knowing who he was. Seemingly he didn’t like or trust his fans and not knowing him made me cooler, surely? 

‘So, why the screaming’s girls?’ I had to stop myself calling him Leo.

He answered by swerving the obvious and seemed keen not to tell me of his fame or the real reason for the ‘girls’ following him. He then asked me my name.

‘Will.’ I replied. Then, form of habit forced me to enquire as to his. I was expecting Leonardo or Leo but he called himself ‘Jack’. Weird. I took a look at him. ‘Jack?’ I repeated. ‘Yeah, Jack.’

‘Well, nice to meet you Jack.’ He clearly didn’t want me to know who he was; in fact, he seemed buoyed by my acceptance of his alias and began to chat more. I spoke at a minimum for fear of coming across un-cool, which, I wasn’t ready to be. I put my thumbs up, nodded and winked, he made all the chat.

He talked of his holiday and how his buddy Jim had ditched him the day before. He didn’t give exact reasons for his friends’ exodus but did hint at a bust up over some ‘lost toast’. I didn’t understand but nodded and winked all the same. We had been travelling for about 15 minutes and his chatter had not ceased. The less I talked the more he did, like a man who had just discovered talking. It began to annoy me if I’m honest. He kept putting my name at the end of every sentence, I couldn’t think why.

We neared his accommodation as he took me up a very country road. I couldn’t make out much as it was dark and the light on the tuk tuk was maybe one candle strong but it was terribly bumpy and uncomfortable. Leo encouraged me greatly.

‘Just up here Will. On the left Will, you can do it Will. Take care Will.’ Constantly.

At points he held my shoulder, came closer and whispered ‘On the left Will.’ It was an odd situation I found myself in but soon enough we had reached his place. It was everything you would expect; big, neutral, modern, well lit, good balance of glass and wall. It was very nice. I tried to excuse myself and offer a goodbye as I understood our acquaintance to be finished but Leo had other ideas.

‘Will. Do you like chess? Y’know chess Will? Do you like it? Will?’ Was he asking me in for a game of chess? ‘Sure, chess is fun.’ I replied, hinting sarcasm. He grew excited, jumped out of the tuk tuk and began to circle it, wildly waving his hands. ‘Well guess what Will?’ almost shouting ‘I’ve got a chessboard. I’VE GOT A CHESSBOARD!! Oh Will you’re gonna love it, y’know Will, come on, LETS GO.’ He ran into his house, laughing and jumping. He expected me to follow, so I did. Oh well. I’ve done stranger things than play chess with Leonardo DiCaprio, haven’t I?

The inside of his house was again as expected, luxurious. He led me through the entrance hall, which, was massive, into an even larger room. He stood in the centre, turned and gave me a knowing glance. ‘You like chess Will?’ his words echoed around the room ‘How’s this for a fucking chessboard?’ He raised his arms and awaited my response. I didn’t get it. There was little in the room other than a chandelier and two rows of terracotta warriors backed up against opposite walls. No chessboard in sight. ‘What’s up Will? What? You can’t see it? Think big Will!’ THINK BIG!’… A moment, then I realised. The floor was a large chequered marble tile sequence and the warriors either side of me weren’t merely decorative, they were the chess pieces. I was stood on the chessboard. A life-sized chessboard. ‘Fuck!’. 

“Pretty cool eh? I got the idea form that Wizard Potter shit. I love chess. Here, let me show you how it works Will.’ He took me to the side of the room, off the tiled floor, pressed a button on the wall and a game station including two chairs rose from the ground. ‘Take a seat..’ I did. The game station had a monitor covering several angles of the ‘board’ and a futuristic pad, which, controlled the movements of the ‘pieces’. It was amazing. Leo gave a demo. The terracotta warriors moved to the designated spot seamlessly. ‘How do they do that?’ I asked. 

‘This is the genius part. I got all the warriors imported from China and had engineers, professors, technicians all working round the clock trying to figure out how to make these heavy bastards move without braking. It was impossible, a few were damaged, a few destroyed, we almost gave up… Then…’ He looked at me with his most familiar movie glare. ‘ We had our eureka moment. We hollowed out the centre of the warriors and trained children to move them from the inside. It was genius. No need for expensive technology just a few willing children, we got them from China as well. Yep. Life sized chess would not be possible without those kids.’

He was a great actor, I almost agreed that life sized chess was so important that to enslave children to preserve its existence was ok! But of course it wasn’t ok, I had to stop it.

‘Wow.’ Was all I could muster. Then silence. Leo looked at me with that same undeterred expression, confirming his story, until his grin cracked through…

‘Will, you dick! Children don’t control them, Fuck, its magnets, MAGNETS WILL! Jeez you English are fucking gullible… Shall we play?’ We played, it was amazing. I was a bit embarrassed but mainly relieved that slave kids were not used so I focused on kicking Leonardo’s arse. I didn’t, he was highly trained, every time I honed in oh his Terracotta King he gave me the slip, almost as if it was planned. Damn. Still, it was the best game I have ever played. I never grew bored of the warriors moving, it was both otherworldly and exactly real.

After his third straight victory Leo offered me a strange alternative to life sized chess. ‘Will? Can I draw you? Can I? Come on, you’ll love it, I’m an excellent drawer, come on Will.’ In any normal circumstance I’m sure I’d be sceptical. Being drawn is no way near as cool as playing big chess and a man offering is almost a no go, but this evening was strange and I was curious as to how it may unfold. ‘Sure.’ I agreed.

Leo led me to the only exit of the chess room. As I left I turned to take in a final glance at the madness. It was then that I noticed a small panel open slowly on the back of one of the warriors. I shook my head to shake the scene from my eyes but the panel was still moving when I regained my focus. It then slammed shut, as if it shouldn’t be opening. Holy bollock. Was he initially telling the truth? A double bluff? There are children in the warriors?

‘Leo. LEO. Wait up.’ He waited. ‘Look, I think I’ve just seen a child in the terracotta warriors, they are operated by kids aren’t they?’ Leo’s expression changed. ‘So… You do know who I am? I thought you were different Will. I thought I’d found a new friend but your all the fucking same aren’t you. Who do you work for?’ Oh yeah, shit, he didn’t know I knew who he was. Still, that’s not the major issue, child slaves are pretty damning no matter the talent of the actor. ‘Of course I know who you are, you’re one of the most famous men on earth and I’m not a recluse. I don’t work for anyone, apart from the tuk tuk company at the moment, but that’s temporary. Anyway, that’s not the point, the point is that you enslave kids for a game of chess. Why?!’

Leo giggled. He didn’t take my question seriously. ‘Go and tell your big boss what I do, go on Will, if that is your real name, go fuck yourself!’ He wasn’t interested anymore, his paranoia had clearly taken hold of him but I needed to know if he did enslave kids, I pressed. ‘Leo. I just saw something inside those warriors, was it a child?’ He paused, and placed the tips of his fingers together under his nose and began with the famous vacant stare. ‘You’ve got a cheek Will. Y’know. I offer you my hospitality and you’

‘LEO, stop with the ballshit.’ I interrupted. ‘What’s going on here?’ I pressed again.

‘What’s going on? You’re accusing me of shit I can’t even comprehend. Do you know I give $40million a year to charities over the world?’

‘Leo, I don’t care what you give, I care about small children living in clay statues. What’s going on?’

‘Stop calling me Leo, my name is Jack.’

‘What.’

‘And you are Rose.’

‘WHAT!’

‘We are Jack and Rose Dawson, current residence, the Titanic, and I will draw you Rose, I will. I’m going to draw you naked and you’re going to leave your rich but bastard fiancé for me. You can do it Rose.’

‘What the fuck are you on about?’ He had lost it, or had he? His acting was so good I didn’t know what to think.

‘Come on Rose, let’s go to a real party.’

‘Seriously, Leonardo. What is going on?’

‘Oh, I’ll tell you Rose, you’re going to grow old and have lots and lots of babies Rose. You are not dying Rose, not tonight.’ He came close and even though it was obvious he was insane and I should be afraid, I couldn’t help but be transfixed by his acting. He then reached for a switch on the wall, pressed it and a small section of floor beneath him gave way and he fell down what I can only assume was an escape passage/safety room. He had acted his way out of my interrogation.

I began to search the house to see if I could find him or any evidence of the mistreating of children. I found nothing. I heard a car speed away from his drive whilst I was in the kitchen, I presume that was he. Still, I had to try and get to the bottom of the kids in the terracotta warriors, but, there was nothing in it. The warriors were empty and whilst they did have opening panels on the back of them, the inside was too small to house a cat let alone a child. Was it a triple bluff? Had my eyes deceived me? Maybe magnets do control them. I didn’t know then and recalling it now makes less sense still. I don’t know. I never will. Leo’s actions were that of a guilty man but it was clear his years of method acting had severely diminished his take on reality. Still, It was pretty cool to meet him. Even If I now question my own sanity, more.

So, I went home upon my tuk tuk a confused man. Again. I told Carolyn of my day and she only really seemed interested in what Leonardo DiCaprio was wearing and the length of his hair. Stupid women.

Another fine day in Thailand and The case of the Terracotta Toddlers – Solved?